Does the following scenario happen at your dinner table? You manage, yet again, to pull off dinner — a nice pot roast with some steamed carrots, potatoes and peas. Triumphantly, you sit down to eat, only to hear the familiar protest from your 4-year-old: “Ewww — I’m not eating this.”

Here’s the moment of truth — what do you do?

A. Ask him to just try it. Then beg. Then bribe. Then play choo-choo, as your dinner gets cold.

B. Jump up to make him chicken nuggets.

C. Make him eat it anyway.

D. Say “you don’t have to eat it.” Then sit and enjoy your dinner, and act like you haven’t a care in the world.

If you chose D, congratulations! You already know the secret strategy that savvy parents use to diffuse the picky eater: Acting casually, while working behind the scenes to get the job done.

Research done by the Ellyn Satter Institute offers insight into the psychology of feeding children, to help them grow appropriately and to minimize picky eating problems. Satter uses the term “division of responsibility” to help parents understand their role in feeding and their child’s role in eating. According to this model, parents are responsible for the what, when and where food is served, and children are then responsible for the how much and whether to eat.

In other words, if you do your work behind the scenes — deciding what will be served, making sure to add structure to the day by having meals and snacks, and not allowing your child to graze in between those meals and snacks — you have done your job. It’s time to relax, and enjoy your meal. The reassuring part of Satter’s research has shown that, when children are fed according to the division of responsibility, they do great. They grow appropriately and are allowed to explore challenging foods in their own time, creating many fewer problems with picky eating.

When we try to beg or force children to eat, or when we become a short-order cook to meet their demands, we are no longer working behind the scenes. We are actively engaging in a power struggle, and this does not help children become competent eaters in the long run. A child who is being pushed to eat will likely dig in her heels and push back, creating a chronic problem. Jumping up to prepare a different meal puts your child in control of what is served, which is not a responsibility she is ready for, and it will thwart her ability to learn to like new foods.

Children get very suspicious when they sense we’re trying too hard. In their minds, trying too hard means something unpleasant is about to happen. Think shots at the doctor’s office. We don’t have to try too hard when there’s an ice cream cone involved, right? This is why it’s important to act casual. Get the carrots to his dinner plate, and let it be. If you must, you can casually ask him to give the carrots a try, reminding him that he liked them last week. But then, you simply back off. Cool as a cucumber. Enjoying your meal and the conversation at the table. The truth is, your child may or may not try those carrots at that particular meal. But the lesson he’s learning is much bigger — he’s watching you eat the carrots (and not dying!), and he’s learning that he won’t be forced to eat something he’s not ready to eat, but he’ll also have to learn to be OK with carrots landing on his plate occasionally. He’s experiencing boundaries that will ultimately help him feel safe and competent at eating — he’s not in charge of the menu, but he is in charge of his own body.

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Feeding a Picky Eater? Use This Secret Strategy originally appeared on usnews.com