Grieving is a painful part of life, and loss and grief often makes a surprise reappearance during the holiday season.

“Grief is feeling the sadness, the loss, the mourning, yearning for someone who has died,” said Kim Penberthy, professor of research in psychiatric medicine at the University of Virginia. “We often think about the holidays as a time when we gather with friends and family, and reminisce and celebrate.”

Penberthy said sometimes people realize they are feeling blue, but may not be sure why.

“I have people who say to me, ‘I feel more sad, lethargic, I’m not hungry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,’ and then it dawns on them, ‘Oh, mom’s not here,'” Penberthy said.

Even if you’re busy planning and preparing for the holidays, “There is a part of you that remembers that loss, and so it can sneak up on you.”

Penberthy said there isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve.

“We have complicated relationships with people, and that doesn’t change just because they pass away,” she said.

How to handle the holidays

For a grieving person, acknowledging the sadness can help.

“That’s the first step, saying to yourself, ‘OK, this may be hard,'” Penberthy said.

A person experiencing a recent loss may choose to avoid a particularly emotion-filled holiday event.

“If you’re going to participate, remind yourself ‘why,’ and try to keep that in mind as you move through the interactions,” Penberthy said.

“Are you going to see a particular person? Are you there to create a positive memory?” she added. “You need a proactive reason, not ‘just because that’s what I always do.'”

While acknowledging the bittersweetness of a loved one’s loss, over time a grieving person will begin to form new positive connections with the holidays, Penberthy said.

“There may be some attempts at first that don’t go so well,” Penberthy said. “So, be kind to yourself and others, ‘Yeah, that was a struggle, that was hard.'”