For the first time in their young lives, my children don’t have long lists for Santa. I believe this is in part because, at ages 8 and 10, they’re no longer so sure the bearded man from the North Pole really exists. More importantly, I think it’s because they have come to understand that there’s not much for them to desire. In short, they are spoiled — and have the good sense to realize it on occasion.

That means, the gift list is up to me.

But what I want for my children doesn’t fit neatly in a box. I don’t want to merely fill their stockings with tubes of ChapStick and mittens. I want to protect them from the rest of the world — especially the people who don’t have their best interests in mind. And, as a woman, psychologist and scientist who has devoted the majority of her career to the study of body image, I especially want to give my daughter Grace — who’s 8 years old going on 18 — the qualities that, according to research, will help her grow into a confident young woman.

First, I’d like to give Grace the gift of self-compassion. Research suggests that women who are self-compassionate — meaning they’re kind and understanding toward themselves rather than self-critical — have a more positive body image and an even a higher quality of life. In short, I hope that when someone says something negative about Grace’s appearance, it rolls off her back and doesn’t lodge in her heart for years.

Next, I want to give Grace the ability to continue to enjoy food and make it a healthy part of her life. I never want her to look at a sundae and think of her thighs. At the same time, I don’t want her to rely on food as a comfort. (One study of children Grace’s age suggests that kids with an over-appreciation of food are more likely to be overweight.) I hope that when we are both adults, we will continue to make both healthy and indulgent choices when we go out to eat — say, salad for dinner and flourless chocolate cake for dessert — without any guilt.

My next wish list item for Grace is a lifetime limit on the words “I feel so fat.” I want her to feel fit, physically able and proud of the many things that her body does — not merely how it looks. Although cultural messages increasingly aim to offer “fitspiration,” research finds these messages too often have negative consequences, including negative mood and body dissatisfaction. I want Grace to take care of her body and engage in physical activity because she cares about her body, her mind and her well-being.

I’d like to give Grace the gift of being able to understand the difference between real friends and social media “friends” who only share the highlight reels of their lives. More than one study suggest that our online lives may negatively impact our sense of self, in particular how we feel about our appearance. After all, who posts pictures of themselves as they look first thing in the morning — messy hair, an unexpected pimple and some pillow marks to top it off? Our real friends let us see them fully — both literally and metaphorically — and see us fully without passing judgement.

Another gift I’d like to give Grace is the ability to value her mind, her good sense of humor and her intellect. As one of my good friends likes to tell her daughter, “Your body is a vehicle to carry all of the greatness between your ears.” Or, as social historian Joan Jacob Brumberg has suggested, “What we must develop for ourselves and our girls is a self-conscious strategy to shift attention away from our bodies to our brains.”

Finally, in the years to come, I wish to give my daughter the gift for which she was named: grace. Grace to grow, learn and explore both her body and the world around her without being held back by the concerns that plague so many girls and women today. After all, we all only get one body and one life — and a limited amount of time to put them to good use.

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect my daughter from oppressive beauty ideals, nor can I guarantee she’ll care about her and others’ hearts and minds more than their looks. But, I do feel compelled to try.

Those are my Christmas wishes for Grace — and all of your daughters, too.

More from U.S. News

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The Eating Disorder Spectrum — From Pregorexia to Drunkorexia

A Health Psychologist’s Christmas Wish List for Her Daughter originally appeared on usnews.com