Thanksgiving is almost here — can you feel the anxiety building? While most of us do indeed love our families, spending time with them can still be stressful. And let’s be honest; spending time with your in-laws can be downright tense. Each year we think it will be different. We hope it will be different. Wouldn’t it be nice if just this once your in-law would not make that one comment that leaves you speechless? Wouldn’t it be great if just this once she would include you instead of acting as though you’re not even in the room?
It’s funny how we can sometimes convince ourselves that things will be different this year, that this time it’ll be how we imagined it should be, how we have always hoped it will be. And then we pull into the driveway, walk through the door and reality smacks us right in the face. Norman Rockwell we are not!
Holiday time with your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law doesn’t have to get the best of you. Shifting the way you see your situation will make it easier for you to shift the emotional feelings that go along with it, and this can make all the difference you need to see that there really is hope with you and your in-law. That may seem a bit extreme, but when you can “lighten” how you perceive things, you’ll actually be able to experience people in a different way.
So with Thanksgiving starting the holiday season, it’s a perfect time to rethink how you want to “be” with your family, particularly your in-laws. Instead of dreading the occasion, consider it a perfect opportunity to try something new to make the holiday a win-win for everyone.
Give these five tips a try, and watch your family gathering go from miserable to memorable:
1. Don’t take things personally. Despite the Hallmark fantasy many of us have about the holidays, these are typically stressful times for everyone. And that type of tension can cause everyone’s bad behavior to be exaggerated. This means your in-law’s indiscretions are more about her than they are about you, so mounting a defense isn’t really all that necessary. Keeping this in mind can help you keep the peace.
2. Be a team player. If your in-law is coming to your house, make sure you include her in the different things that are happening throughout the day. Invite her to bring something for the meal, ask for her help setting the table, compliment her on what she’s wearing, or even ask for her opinion on some finer point of the feast you’re creating. Try to make her feel comfortable and welcomed, and treat her as you would a friend who is attending your family gathering. On the other hand, if you are going to her house for the holiday, ask her if she’d like some help. And whether she does or doesn’t need your assistance, stay around and talk with her. Again, ask her questions, compliment her and let her know you’re interested in her.
3. Find the humor. The easiest way to get through the day with your sanity intact is to find humor in what your in-law says or does. Now, I realize these gaffes may not necessarily inspire true guffaws — far from it! — but search hard for the humor anyway. This approach helps you create enough emotional distance that you won’t take her words and actions so personally. As a bonus, you’ll have some great stories to tell your friends about your crazy in-law!
4. Plan your exit strategy in advance. If you’re the ones visiting your in-law’s house, you and your spouse should agree in advance how long you want to stay — and then be sure to leave at the predetermined time. If one or the other of you really wants to stay longer, then take two cars and let the family know as soon as you arrive that you (or he) will need to leave at such-and-such a time because of whatever excuse you and your husband agree on. What if you live out of town? You can still use an exit strategy as long as you and your spouse decide to stay in a hotel or with other family or friends and not your in-laws. That way, you’ll always have a safe haven to retreat to.
5. Find some down time for yourself. Even though the holiday will most likely be hectic, find some quiet time for yourself so you can re-energize. Or, if you are having the in-laws at your house and cannot use an exit strategy, finding the quiet time for yourself can be a lifesaver. This “catch your breath” time can come at any point during the day. Let yourself clean up by yourself, do those few dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher, go watch a movie with your kids or grandkids, or do anything else that will allow you the time to regroup and get your energy back.
If you backslide, don’t fret. Just re-focus and keep trying. The goal is progress, not perfection. Relationships don’t transform overnight, and small changes now can lead to larger changes later. With just a little bit of effort, this could end up being the happiest holiday you’ve ever spent with your in-laws.
Deanna Brann, Ph.D. has over 30 years of experience in the mental health field as a clinical psychotherapist specializing in communication skills, family and interpersonal relationships, and conflict resolution. After running her own private practice for more than 12 years, she spent time later in her career providing business consultation to other private practice professionals in the health care and legal fields. As both a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, her own personal experiences led her to research the subject. Reluctantly Related is her first book. Brann holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology, a Master of Science degree in Clinical Psychology and a Ph.D. in Psychobiological Anthropology.
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5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays With Your In-Laws — Without Sacrificing Your Sanity originally appeared on usnews.com