We live in a food culture of extremes, to say the least. It’s hard enough to navigate through the constant temptation and over-sized portions as an adult, but to have to teach young children to do so can be daunting. But just as it’s our responsibility to teach our kids not to run out into the street or play with matches, it’s also our responsibility to teach them how to survive in this disordered and dangerous food culture of ours. My twins are 4 and 1/2 now, and I’ve been hard at work laying the groundwork for them to internalize what dietary moderation looks and feels like in hopes they’ll have an easier time making healthy choices for themselves long after they’ve left my sphere of influence. Here’s how:
Start by teaching the importance of variety. Dietary variety is the foundation of moderation; too much of even a good thing is generally not such a good thing, after all. So in talking to my children, I continually reinforce the idea that our bodies need a lot of different foods in order to be healthy — and I make sure to explain why. We talk about how we need to eat orange fruits and vegetables to help our eyes see far away; fish and nuts to help our brains learn new things; iron-rich foods such as meat, beans and lentils to keep our blood healthy; foods such as eggs, cheese and tofu to help our muscles and bones grow strong; and grains such as oatmeal, quinoa and brown rice to give us energy for playing.
Once the importance of variety has been established, it’s much easier for kids to understand that too much of any single food means they not be leaving room for the other important ones. Framing the conversation this way prevents me from singling out sugary treats or empty calorie snacks in particular, which might have the opposite effect of making them seem even more appealing as the proverbial “forbidden fruit.” And in fact, I often find myself having to invoke the principle of variety when limiting certain healthy foods (!) with my historically anemic son, whose strong preference for nutritious but iron-poor foods such as fruit and dairy can result in a very narrow diet unless I intervene. Like I said: everything in moderation … even fruit!
Importantly, when it comes to setting limits around food with my kids, I make sure never to frame the conversation in terms of weight. We talk about eating a variety of foods to keep our bodies healthy and our energy levels high. We limit our intake of sugar because it’s not so healthy for our teeth, and because we want to leave room for all the other healthy foods our bodies need. They know they never have to eat anything if they’re not hungry for it, and conversely that they’re allowed to eat as much of the foods I offer to them as they please. Whether my children were underweight, overweight or a healthy weight, I’d still have this same exact conversation.
I’m the family’s food authority, not the food authoritarian. I’m sure people think dietitian moms must be super strict, anti-sugar zealots when it comes to their kids. But in reality, I know that extremes on either end of the spectrum — being overly permissive with sweets or overly controlling of them — are associated with increased likelihood of disordered eating patterns later in childhood and beyond. The parenting style that produces children with the most moderate and healthy relationship to food and eating is the so-called ” authoritative” one, in which parents “set high expectations, but offer clear guidelines.” Authoritative parents also allow for some flexibility when circumstances call for it, rather than blindly and dogmatically enforcing the rules no matter what.
Being an authoritative parent with respect to food means setting the family’s food agenda — deciding what options are appropriate for family meals and children’s snacks, dictating appropriate times for meals and snacks, and setting guidelines as to special treats that your children understand (see below). It also means bending the rules in certain circumstances when you feel its fair to do so — like, say, when you’re guests at a family gathering or passing by a really special sweet shop when on vacation. Authoritative parenting does not mean micromanaging how many bites a child takes of any given food, forcing a child to eat certain foods, allowing restrictive food practices to isolate a child socially or making a child feel guilty or ashamed when they do eat something indulgent. (That’s more like authoritarian.)
I don’t keep junk food in the house. One sure way to make a “sometimes food” into an “everyday food” is to allow yourself everyday access to it. In other words, it is exceptionally difficult to enforce the notion of “sometimes foods” when your kids are faced with them every single day in the pantry or snack drawer. If cookies, chips, snack cakes and gummy bunnies are regarded as daily snack options on equal footing as wholesome foods such as fruit, nuts, dry roasted chickpeas, snacking veggies, cheese, hummus or edamame, the junk foods will win out and grow into a daily habit. Moderation loses.
There is a time and a place in every childhood for junky treats — even in the childhoods of kids being raised by a dietitian, believe it or not. But by keeping these foods out of my house, I get to make a conscious decision as to when my children will indulge in them. When I need to make a special trip to treat my kids to a cookie or some ice cream, I’m ensuring that these foods do not become an easy default for any of us but rather remain in the realm of “special treat.” In the meantime, my children are learning to reach for — and enjoy — a variety of healthy options to satisfy their day-to-day snack cravings.
We have clear guidelines governing treat occasions. With now-ubiquitous access to treats that used to be special-occasion only — think cupcakes at bookstores, free cotton candy at Home Depot on Saturdays (at least the one near me!) or Frappuccinos on every third street corner — it’s more important than ever to teach kids when it’s OK to indulge and when it’s not. Without guidelines, we risk falling into the availability trap, when in fact, just because a treat is there, that doesn’t mean we have to eat it. You can decide what individual guidelines work best for your family, but the important thing is to actually think them through in advance and make sure your kids know and understand them.
My kids know not to even ask for juice when we’re out and about, because we only drink juice at birthday parties. And during the week, the dessert they request after dinner is fruit, because they know we reserve sweets such as cake or cookies for Friday nights, following our traditional Sabbath meal. On a scorching summer day, the excitement level is high around here: We go out for ice cream after lunch or dinner when the temperature exceeds 85 degrees. (It used to be 90 degrees before I had kids. The authoritative parent in me allowed herself to be negotiated down by 5 degrees.) And of course, I acknowledge that when I RSVP in the affirmative to a kiddie birthday party, I’m also saying yes to pizza and cake.
Whatever your specific rules are, having some in place to begin with ensures that access to treat foods isn’t viewed as arbitrary, and it helps eliminate the incessant begging and negotiation that so often leads to mom caving in. If a request for ice cream comes in at an off-time, I can simply reply: “Oh, I’d like some ice cream, too! I can’t wait until the weather warms up so we can go and get it!”
To be sure, I have my fair share of less-than-successful days — or weekends — in which despite my best efforts to steer the ship steadily, the kids manage to go on a bit of a sugar bender. It happens to all of us, and it’s not worth beating ourselves up about. Tomorrow is a new day, and ultimately, even moderation can be practiced in moderation.
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How I Teach Moderation to My Kids originally appeared on usnews.com