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A new frontier in parenting: How to cope when your millennial comes home

After tossing and turning since switching off the light at 10:30 p.m., you finally hear a key in the front door at 2 a.m. You listen to the quiet footsteps of your 25-year-old son as he heads upstairs and off to bed, then sigh and finally drift off.

And when you wake up you may well wonder, “Will this kid ever move out?”

According to a new analysis from the Pew Research Center, it might be awhile. Millennials are moving home — or staying there — in record numbers.

As of 2012, the most recent numbers available, 23.6 percent of young adults, ages 25 to 34, were living in a multigenerational household. That’s up from 18.7 percent in 2007.

A year ago, a separate Pew analysis of 2012 numbers found that 36 percent of young adults aged 18 to 31 were living in their parents’ homes. That was up from 32 percent in 2007.

The data come as no surprise to Dr. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, who has been studying a phenomenon he calls “emerging adulthood” for 20 years. The Clark University professor is the author, along with Elizabeth Fishel, of “Getting to 30: A Parent’s Guide to the 20-Something Years.”

Arnett’s research has found that several economic and social forces have converged to make “30 the new 20.”

The economy, he says, has shifted from manufacturing to information, technology and services, which require more education and training. The growth in the number of young people attending college to prepare for those jobs has increased the ages most marry and have children. And, the sexual revolution, women’s movement and youth movement of the 1960s and 1970s dramatically changed American’s values and social mores. As a result, Arnett writes, “young people are no longer jumping from adolescence in their teens to a settled entry to adulthood in their early 20s.”

Instead, they’re usually immersed in trying to figure out who they are, changing majors, jobs, perspectives, philosophies and romantic partners numerous times before reaching stability in their late 20s. And, often, their self-exploration finds them winging in and out of the nest, Arnett says.

Despite negative media attention on millennials’ apparent failure to launch, Arnett’s research reveals that many parents are happy having their kids back home.

More than 60 percent of parents surveyed by Clark University said the experience of having an 18- to 29-year-old living at home was “mostly positive,” and only 6 percent described it as “mostly negative.”

Nearly 67 percent said they feel closer to their children emotionally, 66 percent said they have more companionship with their children, and 62 percent said their children help with household responsibilities.

“Even I was surprised how positive the parents were,” Arnett said.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, a California psychologist and co-chairman of the Council on Contemporary Families, says such arrangements work best “if everyone is proactive from the beginning.”

He advises a candid conversation: “Not shaming or blaming; friendly and respectful.”

Returning offspring may find that “they have to work harder as a contributing family member than they did before” as they’re now technically adults, Coleman says. They may chafe a bit at the raised expectations, so he advises asking them first about their plans and expectations. How long do they foresee being there? Are they actively looking for work? Are they saving money to move out? Financial contributions for rent and groceries and their level of participation in ongoing chores such as shopping, laundry, cooking and cleaning should also be on the agenda.

Dr. Joe Taravella, a family therapist who practices in New York and New Jersey, says such conversations should happen regularly. Whether once a week or once a month, family talks prevent small issues from festering into long-standing resentments. And, he notes, the responsibility for helping set guidelines should be shared by dads and moms.

“Guys want to take a back seat and let it all work out,” he said. “But you can’t leave it to your wife.”

He also advises discussing house rules regarding use of drugs and alcohol, whether romantic partners can stay overnight, and the hours kids keep. To avoid nights of wakeful worry, for example, a parent should explain that losing sleep is disruptive to their work schedule and ask for a text with an ETA by 10 p.m.

At the same time, he suggests parents pick and choose their battles: “You can’t be nit-picking every little thing.”

For example, he says, if a parent sees their child is looking hard for a job but not scoring many interviews, focus on helping him or her with a resume and presentation skills rather than stressing over wet towels on the bathroom floor.

Also important is “spending time together as a family,” he says. “Do things you enjoy. A movie, a vacation — just good quality time together.”

And parents shouldn’t neglect each other, either, he adds.

“They should continue to make those plans for just the two of them,” he says. “Soon enough, the nest will be empty again.”

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Don’t Settle for Student Loans to Pay for Online Education

Online college programs are becoming a more popular choice for prospective students, with one study finding that more than 6 million students enrolled in at least one online course in fall 2015. The popularity of these courses can be attributed in part to their flexibility with working adults' schedules, students' ability to progress more quickly through online programs and, oftentimes, cheaper tuition. [See 10 low-cost online bachelor's programs for out-of-state students.]Online degrees can be beneficial to many college students, but some studies have shown online learners complete their programs at lower rates than students at traditional brick-and-mortar campuses. Individuals with student loans but no degree comprise two-thirds of defaulted borrowers. Though these numbers are not encouraging, just like for traditional programs, there are ways to reduce how much you'll need to borrow for an online program to ensure you won't become one of these statistics. Don't just settle on borrowing student loans to cover the whole cost of your program and living expenses. Instead, start thinking about how to cut costs and cover your balance in different ways, such as the following. -- Grants and scholarships: Even though you are taking an online course, you can still apply and receive grants and scholarships. But your first step should be to complete the Free Application for Federal Student Aid, commonly referred to as the FAFSA, which will allow you to receive a Pell Grant if your expected family contribution is low enough. The EFC criteria and award amounts are adjusted annually, but the 2017-2018 academic year awards range from $606 to $5,920, which could significantly lower the amount you borrow annually. Your next step is to apply for scholarships. You can start by checking online scholarship search engines, such as the Salt Scholarship Search, College Board's BigFuture and Peterson's. But don't forget to take advantage of local organizations and your school's financial aid office. Both may offer scholarships that you can't find with a national scholarship search. [Review these 10 sites to kick off your scholarship search.]For instance, organizations like the Elks Club, Knights of Columbus or the Rotary Club typically offer scholarships annually to local students. Just because you're going to school online doesn't mean you're ineligible. Visit your local library for scholarship listings, and ask around town. You might be surprised how many local organizations offer scholarships. While these scholarships typically aren't large, every little bit counts. Each dollar you receive in a scholarship is a dollar you don't have to borrow and pay interest on. -- Work-study: Another option for online students may be work-study awards. Not all students enrolled in online programs are eligible, but students at some schools -- including, for example, SUNY Empire State College and Liberty University -- are. Work-study awards are not given upfront like scholarships and grants. In most cases, they are an offer to earn up to the awarded amount if you secure an eligible work-study job. While there is a misconception that all work-study jobs must be on campus, students can work for off-campus, nonprofit or public employers as long as the work is in the public's interest. You may be able to work for a for-profit employer if the job is relevant to your course of study. No matter who the outside employer is, it will need to have an established agreement with your college for you to receive work-study funds. Remember, to be eligible for federal financial aid, you must be enrolled and pursuing a degree or certificate. If you're not working toward a credential, Pell Grants and work-study won't be option, but you may still be able to take advantage of private scholarships -- just be sure to read the eligibility criteria carefully. [Explore what to know about financial aid in online programs.]-- Pay as you go: One of the great benefits to enrolling online is the flexible schedule, which can allow you to complete your college coursework around your responsibilities. But prospective students often overlook using their part- or full-time job earnings as an option for paying for college. Almost 80 percent of college students in 2015 worked at least part time while attending classes, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. By budgeting and thinking strategically about your college costs, you can likely reduce your dependence on student loans by paying a portion out of pocket. Many -- but not all -- online programs are less expensive than traditional programs and often have shorter payment periods. Six, eight or 10 weeks are common course durations. Because of the frequency of payments in an online setting, you may be well-placed to pay as you go and possibly avoid borrowing altogether. Attending college online and avoiding student loans may be challenging, but if you are willing to put in the effort, you can limit the amount you need to borrow. More from U.S. News Q&A: Understanding Student Loan Discharge Eligibility Student Loan Refinancing Isn't Right for All Borrowers
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